Sunday, February 28, 2010

The Grump

A bit of a headache, for which I took aspirin. I feel both icky and better. This is a weird thing. It's also weird that I fell asleep sitting up in a car with the sun shining on me. NEITHER of those ever happen to me. And so I minorly worry about why I keep falling asleep like this, even though I'm grateful that I'm not having the same sorts of problems sleeping. I'll be interested to find out what it is in my diet that causes insomnia, given how little caffeine I tend to have in general anyway.

Day two has been a little easier than day one, for one because I made sure I had protein earlier in the day. I don't have a clue how I'm going to do that at work tomorrow, and that worries me. I really do not want to end up like my friend's mom who tried a wheat-free/dairy-free diet for three days and decided she'd rather live with the fibro-pain.

What I am noticing though, is a return of an interaction style that I haven't seen since college. I am rather short tempered in general now, and how short tempered is a direct relation to how hungry I am. The big problem with this is that I'm pretty much hungry constantly. I can only eat so much fruit, frankly, for snacking. And sunflower seeds are making a poor replacement for potato chips in my head. Not to mention the eating constantly is getting a little old.

We did just get a pressure cooker, though there isn't really time to mess with it tonight before dinner. Hopefully it will make it possible to have a breakfast of rice and beans in some form. Or something. I'm not sure what else I can do for breakfast. Smoothies are just not going to happen on work days, probably.

I really hope I don't end up straining my relationships here over this. That scares me.

Day 2: The hangover

This must be what cleansing out toxins feels like. I have to say that because the only other way I have felt like this is when I have gone on a bender Saturday night and here it is Sunday having come too soon. My head is throbbing.

It frightens me to think that perhaps I did not drink enough water yesterday. We try more with it today. More just water instead of rooibos tea.

OSO said in her reading that the second day is the worst, and it should get better from here on out. I can only hope that that is the case, because this sucks. And yesterday I was feeling so.... "Clear".

Saturday, February 27, 2010

No wonder I feel like crap

I weighed myself for the first time in several months. And no wonder everything is complaining in my body. Measured myself too. No wonder my clothes don't fit right. I've gained 15 lbs since moving in with my roommates this winter. I can see it in me when I look, but the stark reality is a little bit shocking, actually.

So if I lose all of that just during the course of the elimination diet, then I will just get back to the point where things START to hurt.

My heaviest ever was 15 pounds more than I was here, but I'm really at the heaviest I have been in quite some time.

I seriously hope this works for a jump start. Because at the moment? I'm really really hungry. In counting my food for the day it looks like I'm seriously undereating thus far however. This is a good sign, honestly. Because it means that I shouldn't feel like a failure on this diet already, only two meals in. I'm hungry and tired because I'm not eating enough. I'm certainly not getting enough protien. Once I eat my dinner, I'm going to the store to get more of the protein variety of things.

We have altered things slightly, as we are allowing ourselves fish and I think lamb. Though mostly, it's a vegetarian diet. Both meals we've had today are vegetarian. As we are off in different directions, they're having salmon-quinoa burgers, and I'm having a mahi mahi fillet.

As soon as I'm done with this, I'm headed out for some food stuffs. Best to not sabotage myself immediately. I would hate to be left behind. So I'm making sure I go out not hungry.

Day 1: Still don't like cabbage

Started the day off with a Winter Green Smoothie. I think that this just proves that cabbage and I are not friends. It was bitter to my taste, and the texture was.... Interesting.

I had a bit of a moment of "My god, what the HELL am I getting myself into." But it's not forever. I have to remind myself of that. And smoothies are a good way of getting a lot of fruit and veggies in a relatively small package. And I didn't just get myself into this, I got my whole household into it.

PiC totally was loving on it though, but he has an obsession with leafy green vegetables. OSO and I were looking at each other, then at the glasses, then at each other, and really were of the choking it down variety.

I think we'll be trying the Super Anti-oxidant Smoothie tomorrow morning because OSO and myself just are more of the fruit smoothie with additional vegetable variety instead of the veggie smoothie with fruit flavoring. I honestly couldn't taste the fruit at all in there actually. So tomorrow is more fruity.

For now though, I couldn't drink any more and I'm still hungry, so I have a pear. And there will be much fruit snacking today I think.

This is going to be a slog.

Friday, February 26, 2010

T-1 and counting

Tomorrow, PiC and OSO and I start on our elimination diet. We're following the one on Whole Life Nutrition, and hoping that there will be some definite answers.

After a particularly painful couple of days, I realized that I needed some way to figure out how it was that I would randomly feel like I have the flu without any fever. Symptoms tend to follow not insignificantly what is listed out for Fibromyalgia, something I really HATE the idea of having because it has in the past seemed so flippin' trendy. But as I have witnessed in the past, one day like this can completely derail me for months again before I can get the gumption to start exercising again.

So this is the start of it. In the research I've done about fibro, it seems that it is sleep and diet related, the things that make it flare. Okay then, since food is the fuel for everything we do including sleeping, and I know that I sleep better when I'm exercising regularly, let's see if we can tackle the one area I've never really manged to control before.

Hence why the whole household is going on it. We talked about it pretty extensively, and OSO totally hopped on board immediately, as she has her own issues that she's looking to correct as well. PiC has been a little slower to buy in, mostly because it's going to take longer than he had intended and he has to do things like give up his beloved Tea. But it's multually supportive. And there's the challenge of all sorts of new recipes to try. So, we'll see.

We also gave ourselves quite a bit of leadtime to get used to the idea. This week I've been saying goodbye to some of my favorite foods that I won't be having for a couple of months. Wine somewhat, but mostly wheat products. I'm actually terrified that I'm going to find that wheat is the main culprit in the aggrivation, as it is not all that uncommon. And I have some serious love for the bread. Three months without bread is going to be quite the challenge for me.

My hope though is that at the end of the two week "detox" where we have most of the allergens removed from the diet to see what it is that we react to, that I will feel excellent and on top of that it will start to be warm and clear enough up here that I can at least test drive a bike that can be ready by the beginning of April to start being a crap biker. :)

First steps. It's going to be a rough week, next week. And I'm not going to have my normal food coping mechanisms (Wow, typing that out, I can definitely SEE my distorted relationship with food. Even better that I'm doing this then).

This is going to be interesting.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


I need something that I can fail at gloriously. I want to fail again and again and again and each time pick myself back up and fail again differently. I want to get comfortable with failure. Because then, then I win. I win because I don't let things discourage me that have been discouraging me all my life.

See, I have always been good at a LOT. Intellectual things, they come easily to me. So easy that when I'm confronted with something that I am not instantly good at, I toss it aside because I'm not meant to do it. This does not develop the internal resiliency one needs for dealing with adversity. Even with those intellectual things that I'm not all that great at.

But I have never been an athlete. Ever. I was the girl in the Presidential Fitness tests who the teachers were yelling at because I was taking 15 minutes to complete the "run a mile" test. Because I was crap at it. Last or second to last in every time. Even though I was easily the most flexible student in the class. But all the teachers focused on was how crap I was at at running. They taunted.

So here I am, almost 33 and far more unhealthy than I would like to be. Two back surgeries. Far too heavy for my height. This does not fit with my vision of myself. You see, in my head I want to be one of those active spry 70 something year olds. I want to be a rock climber and a skydiver and a hiker and a cyclist and....

It is not too late for me to change these. I am not doomed. And I has an inspiration. From other blogs that I read of women who talk about being crap athletes. And it's okay. As long as you enjoy it, it's all good.

Today that changes. I already have the plans for starting an elimination diet which I will find out the food sensitivities that mess with my head and body. The streets are getting clear enough that I can go out and test a bike so I can bike with my housemates. Or by myself.

Because fuck'em. Fuck the people who have tried to mock me as the running fat girl and fuck the setbacks. Setbacks are part of the process. Even if I aim for walking a mile, and I only manage a half mile, at least I'm moving. And those people who are mocking me, mostly aren't. They don't get to BE in my head. They ain't worth it. Even if I only walk a 20 minute mile, I am.