Howdy

I need something that I can fail at gloriously. I want to fail again and again and again and each time pick myself back up and fail again differently. I want to get comfortable with failure. Because then, then I win. I win because I don't let things discourage me that have been discouraging me all my life.

See, I have always been good at a LOT. Intellectual things, they come easily to me. So easy that when I'm confronted with something that I am not instantly good at, I toss it aside because I'm not meant to do it. This does not develop the internal resiliency one needs for dealing with adversity. Even with those intellectual things that I'm not all that great at.

But I have never been an athlete. Ever. I was the girl in the Presidential Fitness tests who the teachers were yelling at because I was taking 15 minutes to complete the "run a mile" test. Because I was crap at it. Last or second to last in every time. Even though I was easily the most flexible student in the class. But all the teachers focused on was how crap I was at at running. They taunted.

So here I am, almost 33 and far more unhealthy than I would like to be. Two back surgeries. Far too heavy for my height. This does not fit with my vision of myself. You see, in my head I want to be one of those active spry 70 something year olds. I want to be a rock climber and a skydiver and a hiker and a cyclist and....

It is not too late for me to change these. I am not doomed. And I has an inspiration. From other blogs that I read of women who talk about being crap athletes. And it's okay. As long as you enjoy it, it's all good.

Today that changes. I already have the plans for starting an elimination diet which I will find out the food sensitivities that mess with my head and body. The streets are getting clear enough that I can go out and test a bike so I can bike with my housemates. Or by myself.

Because fuck'em. Fuck the people who have tried to mock me as the running fat girl and fuck the setbacks. Setbacks are part of the process. Even if I aim for walking a mile, and I only manage a half mile, at least I'm moving. And those people who are mocking me, mostly aren't. They don't get to BE in my head. They ain't worth it. Even if I only walk a 20 minute mile, I am.